I lost a friend this week. It happened suddenly- over text messages. How absolutely 2020. I am fairly certain it was my fault. Maybe when the pain of the loss of the friendship fades, I will be able to see both sides more clearly. Who knows?
But here is the point: People come into our lives sometimes for the long haul and sometimes for a mere blink of an eye. No matter how long they are with us, losing the connection is hard.
However, such is life. And, there are a million and a half memes on #Pinterest that will inspire us to count our blessings and look on the bright side. BLAH! I don’t care about those right now. Truth is: part of life or not- endings SUCK. I hate them. I know I am not alone.
Let me explain… My anxiety monster longs for conflict. A relationship of any sort ending? The MONSTER is having a five course meal. However, I am determined this morning to make the monster fast instead of feast. I started by doing research… because of course I did. I came across this blog post and my world was rocked. The part that made me want to curl under my tortilla blanket (yes, it's an actual thing) and burrito my way through this Saturday was this:
“It’s the existential anxiety cued off by the endings that put us in tunnel vision panic mode and make us believe that the ending is very bad for us indeed. Therefore, the unconscious reasoning goes, this ending must either be avoided at all costs or if it can’t be avoided then the entity thought to be causing it must be punished.”
Michael Schreiner, the author of that post, hit the nail on the head. PANIC MODE. When I am in the midst of something, anything ending I am certain that I will surely die. My OCD kicks in and rails me with the “what if” and the “why did I "cycle of intrusive thoughts. It’s maddening! I will always blame myself for the ending. NO MATTER WHAT. Therefore, if I cannot repair the relationship, I will punish myself… with a vengeance.
Last night, after feeling physically sick from the overthinking, I decided to try a new approach. I texted my friend. I wished them well, and I said goodbye. I have spent an obnoxious amount of time and energy this week thinking about the million different ways I could repair the damage I’d done. But, you know what? I might not ever be able to. It isn’t on me anymore. And, I have to be able to cope with this without feeling like life is over. I have to let go.
Easier said than done, right?
This morning I woke up a little less sad. I decided to meditate, reflect, and even pull out my Tarot cards. It is a MAGICKAL day, October 31, 2020, so maybe I’d find some guidance in my cards.
The message was very clear… VERY clear. Let Go, they said. Let Go… free yourself from the bondage of guilt. Work from TRUST and FAITH and not by FORCE. These times of doubt and confusion are not permanent, and the light will return.
So this is my message to you, my anxious friends. These times of doubt and confusion… of loss and sadness… of unrest and worry… they are not permanent. THE LIGHT IS READY TO RETURN. We have to trust and not try to force it to happen.
Will my friend and I be able to move forward? Sure… whether it's connected to one another or not, I can’t say. But, I have to TRUST that whatever happens will benefit both of us.
LETTING GO… HAVING FAITH.